Though its history is complicated, Thanksgiving is a profound moment because it’s the only major American holiday dedicated to unconditional, undirected gratitude.
Thanksgiving is coming up, and with it a whole host of feelings about what it means. For one, I’m reflecting on the myth of Thanksgiving, the harms perpetuated against Indigenous peoples in the name of this country’s founding, and what this legacy means for our Native American and Indigenous friends and family this time of year. I’m reflecting on the beginning of the holiday season, also known as the beginning of the end of another tumultuous year, one marked by a pandemic, our ongoing work to end racial injustice, and the promise of a brighter tomorrow, ushered in by more community, more understanding, and, yes, vaccines and the science that brought them to us.
But what I feel more than anything this time of year is gratitude. Though its history is complicated, Thanksgiving is a profound moment because it’s the only major American holiday dedicated to unconditional, undirected gratitude. While we may not make much time for it in our day to day lives, practicing gratitude has an enormous array of benefits for our bodies, minds and spirits.
Studies from the past 10+ years have found that intentionally practicing gratitude is linked to being happier and less depressed.
In fact, researchers from Indiana University found that a regular gratitude practice can “train the brain to be more sensitive to the experience of gratitude down the line,” contributing to better mental health in the long term. In other studies, people with “more grateful dispositions” have fewer health problems and physical symptoms, like headaches and indigestion.
In fact, gratitude is considered a prosocial behavior, with demonstrable effects on our brains. Here’s how Positivity Psychology describes the neurological effects of gratitude: “When we express gratitude and receive the same, our brain releases dopamine and serotonin, the two crucial neurotransmitters responsible for our emotions, and they make us feel ‘good.’ They enhance our mood immediately, making us feel happy from the inside.
“By consciously practicing gratitude every day, we can help these neural pathways to strengthen themselves and ultimately create a permanent grateful and positive nature within ourselves.”
Prosocial behavior is one of the tools in the PRISM toolkit that BE MORE with Anu uses to break bias and build more mindful, inclusive habits in our students. I define prosocial behavior as the practice of cultivating, strengthening, and feeling body sensations of receiving good will — of oneself, of others, of nature, and any other phenomenon.
Practicing gratitude strengthens collective identity and social cohesion, but it can go much further. Gratitude allows us to reflect on the here and now, appreciate people in our lives, and get in the habit of thinking positively about our surroundings and those around us. And, as science shows, it can alter our brain chemistry so that these things become ingrained.
Gratitude is not the only prosocial behavior that’s important this time of year. Thanksgiving is a time when many of us gather with family we may not see very often or have much in common with. Sometimes the conversations around the dinner table can get heated, especially when we disagree strongly with the people we’re around.
If this situation sounds familiar, I encourage you to practice the prosocial behavior of curiosity this year, or allowing yourself to be open to hearing what others have to say, even if their beliefs are different from yours. I know this can be difficult, especially when loved ones hold opinions or values that are in stark opposition to our own. So when this happens, I’d like you to:
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Recognize the reactivity in the mind. Most likely, it’s connected to some unpleasantness in the mind or the body.
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Acknowledge the unpleasantness in the mind or body.
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Investigate these sensations. They’ll likely be connected to stories in the mind — how things should be — with body sensations that are uncomfortable. Heaviness in the chest, clenched jaw, tight shoulders, sweaty palms, and/or something else. Take at least three deep breaths with them. Slowly you’ll observe the stronghold of your views and unpleasantness in the body waning.
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Non-identify or detach from these feelings and stories. They are happening in the body and mind, but they are not you.
This practice collectively is known as RAIN: Recognize, Acknowledge, Investigate, and Non-Identify. Practicing RAIN in this way will allow you to practice curiosity with your loved ones.
I often follow-up with these three words: tell me more. As you listen, you’ll probably notice that your loved one — however misguided or incorrect in their views — is hurting.
They are fearful of the future. Or they are still carrying some resentment or fear from the past. And these unresolved fears are often projected onto other people or groups of people. And in that space, you can hold space for their feelings.
And with that, you can share your own views and feelings using I-statements — I feel, I think, in my experience.
Using I-statements are a powerful way of de-escalating tensions and build bridges.
If you feel your feelings are being denied, once again acknowledge that. I often do it with my loved ones — “I am hearing that you’re asking me to not feel disappointed (sad, angry, etc.), but that’s how I feel.” And we have to allow ourselves to feel our feelings. We are human, after all. You may even follow-up with asking your loved one, why does it make you uncomfortable that I feel this way? You may discover that they are themselves trying to not feel similar feelings.
Practicing curiosity in this way (using RAIN and I-statements) can reduce conflict and improve communication, even across major differences. Imagine the things we could achieve together if we approached one another with greater curiosity instead of animosity. The possibilities are endless.
This year, let’s practice gratitude and curiosity as we gather with loved ones, whether in person or over a screen. We will all be better for it. I am so grateful to have you be a part of our growing community of folks who are committed to breaking bias and building a world where we all belong everywhere!
Happy Thanksgiving!